I went in for my 3 month OB appt. and I explained to the Dr. that I felt like everything that could go wrong WAS going wrong with the pregnancy. She assured me that everything was going to be just fine and that it was normal to be worried after what I had been through in the past year with infertility treatments and such. I didn't believe her.
When it was time for the ultra sound, I had an eerie feeling that she would find something wrong. I could see her looking at the screen with squinty eyes and repositioning the wand over and over. She was pushing SO hard...and then it hit me. The screen was still...the tiny blinking light that I had seen at my last appointment was still. I knew it before she told me. There was no heartbeat. She said she was having a hard time finding the heartbeat, so she needed to do another type of ultrasound. I knew it wouldn't be any different. I tried to tell myself that I was over reacting, but deep down I was preparing for the news. As I suspected, she didn't find anything. She said there was no heartbeat and sent me to the hospital the next day for a more detailed ultra sound which confirmed that indeed the baby had died. I cannot put into words how thoroughly distraught I was and still am.
The OB didn't seem to think that it was a big deal and told me to just wait until my body naturally expelled the baby. NO WAY!!! I was not having that. Maybe that is fine for some women, but I was NOT going to be walking around with a dead baby inside me. She said it could take up to three weeks and until the fetus was gone my body would still think it was alive and continue to produce pregnancy hormones. I was still extremely sick and just wanted to get it over with!
In desperation, I called my WONDERFUL infertility Dr. and he scheduled me for a D & C the following day! He also ordered some tests on the fetal tissue to see if we could find any more pieces to our unexplained infertility puzzle. The best thing was that he gave me enough drugs to push the pain, both physical and emotional, away for a few weeks. Thank goodness....it just proved to me that some doctors really care about what their patients want and to some, we are just a name on yet another chart!
We are of course devastated. All I can say is that if you haven't gone through it, you have no idea how it really feels. The worst thing about it all is that I have been so EXTREMELY sick. I have been in bed or on the couch for 6 weeks straight! It would have been worth it if I would have had a sweet little baby in the end, but to just go through it for nothing really makes me angry. If I didn't have such a hard time getting pregnant, then I wouldn't be so worried. Some women have miscarriages but are able to get pregnant again right away. Unfortunately, this pregnancy was a miracle and I really don't see another miracle happening again in the future. This loss makes a total of 8 embryos that have been inside me but have not survived in the last year. 6 through IVF and 2 natural. All I can think is that there HAS to be something wrong! It is so frustrating to not know why this is happening. People keep saying "when the time is right, it will happen for you." I feel like screaming in their face when I hear that. Why isn't the time right??? Emma is almost 5 years old and I never wanted to have kids that far apart....That is why we started trying to have more when she was only 15 months old. I am sorry for the anger in this post, but that is all I can feel right now. Why would God do this to me? Why would he tease me like this?? What do I have to learn from this?
I am more thankful for Emma now than I ever have been. At least we still have her. I don't know how I could survive if something happened to her. But...what can I do but just move on and try to be strong? I will pretend that I am not torn apart inside. I will put on a happy face and tell everyone that I am okay. When people ask about the pregnancy, I will tell them softly that we lost the baby, but my voice will not crack and my eyes will stay dry. Even as I write this I am pushing back the tears, but I will not let them see.
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